Fun With Fire and Bug Spray

July 4th, 2017

U.S. Navy photo by Photographer’s Mate 2nd Class Aaron Peterson.

I woke up to a creak, and saw Mike was looming over me, about to nudge me awake. For a second, I didn’t know where I was, but the smells of damp canvas and a smoldering fire set me straight. We were on a camping trip, the last one before school started.

Still in my t-shirt and jeans, I quietly grabbed my PF Flyers and followed Mike out the door of the pop-up trailer. A silent exit was impossible, but we woke no one. Mom and Dad had been drinking after we set up camp the night before, and would only wake up if when they sensed deviltry.

When camping with a family as big as ours — large enough that someone was always in trouble but not so large that anyone could sneak away undetected for long — early morning was the golden hour for me. No little brothers to watch and no pestering by an adult to pick something up or put something away.

I walked out into the cool, still and asthma-inducing muggy air. Get on the enormous rope swing? Nah. Tinker with the motorcycle? Why, if I couldn’t ride it until almost lunch.

Mike was poking in the fire pit, always at promising option. He was, naturally, trying to bring it back to life. It was covered in gray ash that protected deeper embers. That’s when I noticed the aerosol can of bug spray in one of the mesh lawn chairs. I couldn’t believe Mike hadn’t already seen it!

I grabbed the can and dramatically lowered it between the fire and Mike’s face. His eyebrows shot up and he looked at me with the wide-open gap-toothed smile that would, for his whole life, signal the beginning of ill-advised fun.

“Take turns,” Mike said. Not a request, but a restatement of the rules. It meant I couldn’t use the spray until it was gone. I nodded rapidly before pointing the nozzle on the fire.

A very, very satisfying torch raced from the can in a narrow, foot-long cone. And — bonus! — the torch was relighting the fire. I wondered why people didn’t always build fires this way. So simple, so effective and so cool.

Without saying a word, Mike reached for the can just as I was turning toward him. I had a concern: If I let off the button, would the flame follow back into the can? It seemed like a possibility, which meant I was holding a mosquito-spray hand grenade. How far could I throw it before it exploded? More important: Would the explosion wake up Mom and Dad?

That all became academic when Mike’s hand went right into the spray. We both realized how crazily dangerous that was, but before I could even drop the can (or think to throw it like Vic Morrow on the TV show Combat!), it was clear that Mike had interrupted the spray between the nozzle and the flame. He’d put the flame out!

This was so much cooler because we could torch things and safely shut the flame off.

I gave the can to Mike, as was fair, and he pointed it at the now-cheery fire. He was having trouble holding it and pressing the button because his left hand now was dripping wet with the slippery bug spray. He repositioned himself so that he could stick the can closer to the fire, and tried to spray again. The drips from his hand made little flaming pok! sounds when they hit the hot ashes. I was about to suggest we wrap the can in a dishcloth for a better grip until a small explosion cut me off.

Jimmy! What in the Christ are you doing?” We had been hunkered with our backs to the camper, and in our excitement, we never even heard Dad unzip a canvas window. Situational awareness score: Mike and me 0; Dad 1.

We pivoted a quarter turn and looked over our shoulders to see Dad, his lip already glowing. I looked sidelong at Mike to see him carefully and with almost no visible movement sliding the can in the long grass and between his shoes. Part of me was exasperated that once again, I was going to take the sole blame for something I’d been doing with someone else. But I evenly told my dad that we were warming our hands over the fire.

“What’s in your hands?! Stand up and turn around!”

Not only did Mike stand up with his hands out, but he cleverly started walking toward my dad thereby blocking my dad from seeing the can. It was all I could do to not look over at the spray can.

Later that day, Mike ran over to me by the rope swing with something under his t-shirt. It was the can, and the orange plastic top surrounding the nozzle had melted dramatically, probably while he was holding it and just before we were discovered.

Mike’s reaction: “This so cool!” I could not argue.

Our Colorado Vacation Starts Moving Backward

March 12th, 2017

People getting a driver’s license today have no idea how dangerous cars used to be. For example, you could reach through the driver’s window, past the steering wheel of a car with an automatic transmission, and, without inserting a key, shift the car out of park. Think about that for a second. Anyone could get in a car and put it in neutral. Today, there are multiple safeguards preventing that.

Yeah, no. Nothing like our Western vacation.

This was less of a deal living in the endless flats of Illinois, where I grew up, but as my brother Mike and I proved, children will exploit any safety oversight.

Our family had a big, black AMC Ambassador station wagon back in the mid-1960s that was beloved by all. It probably had more usable room than any minivan to come, which my parents loved. We kids never got over how it had a fold-up, rear-facing bench seat in the back. Watching the world flow away from you is really satisfying in a way I can’t describe. And, if we were careful in hiding this from Dad, we could be “bold” by making faces at the cars immediately behind us. Fortunately, we did not yet know about obscene gestures or someone eventually would have gotten killed, probably at my dad’s hands.

One day, while my brother Mike and I were still in elementary school, we got shooed off the Heinzes front yard for playing Batman with some of our friends. It was understandable, as that game consisted of running around and play-fighting while screaming “neener, neener, neener, neener, neener BATMAN!” over and over again.

Back on home turf, literally, and having lost our friends to someone else’s yard, we grew bored. And then, as if it had suddenly popped into existence, we saw the station wagon. It was parked, as it usually was, on our asphalt drive next to our red-brick, two-story home.

We ran over and opened the driver’s door and piled in like two baby zoo apes presented with a new refrigerator box. Mike and I took turns sitting behind the wheel “steering,” and sliding around on the shiny black vinyl seats. One of us shifted the car to neutral at some point before we opened the door again and ran off for more excitement.

Our driveway was the closest thing to level that you could find and still have an incline. After we’d left the scene, that Ambassador slowly rolled out the drive. The steering wheel had been turned a bit, so the car turned lazily as it glided silently onto Massasoit Street with the driver-side door wide open.

As Mom would later relay to us, had Mrs. Carmody from across the street not called her with this news, our station wagon might have been sitting diagonally on the street, where it had stopped, until someone crashed into it.

My first thought, standing there in front of my embarrassed and angry mom, was not the best one to voice, but I did. I told her that you’d have to be blind to run into a car in the street like that. Had I not said that, I think my mom would have sent Mike and me to our room for an hour or so. But, I had technically talked back. Mike, a year younger than I and already wiser, remained silent. Not that that spared him.

We were sent to our room “until your father comes home.” My dad was “father” when punishment was involved. I immediately calculated roughly how long Mike and I could play in our room — we had a complete Major Matt Mason Air Force astronaut toy set under our beds — before we would have to tearfully beg Mom not to tell Dad. The tears would be real.

Looking back, I can say my mom exhibited an average level of tolerance for embarrassment. If our family dog — a German shepherd named Prince — represented the level of anger unleashed when she was embarrassed, my dad’s reaction could best be visualized as Godzilla.

It went about as Mike and I had anticipated. We were spanked and told to stand against the wall for an hour without lifting a leg and absolutely without rubbing our stinging behinds.

Ten years later, we were in the middle of our first and only two-week family vacation. It was a July drive to Pike’s Peak in Colorado and back. By then, the eight of us — me, my younger brothers Mike, Dan, Terry and Tommy; my older sister Kim; and our parents — traveled in a new car, a Ford Country Squire station wagon.

Faux wood paneling ran along each side, but much of the rest of the car was similar to the Ambassador, including a fold-up seat in the rear, facing back. We pulled a white Ski-Tow Puma pop-up trailer, the roof of which was raised on folding braces and two canvas-and-wood bunks slid out fore and aft.

My dad knew a guy who worked for a commercial baker in Chicago who coincidentally saw three end-table sized sheets of individually wrapped chocolate-and-walnut brownies fall off a truck. Amazingly, the same guy saw a like amount of sugar-wafer cookies hit the pavement. He contributed the cache for the trip. To wash it down, my mom bought four cases of Canfield’s pop. I exclusively drank Cherry-Ola Cola.

There was more chemical energy in the cabin than in the gas tank.

I don’t know if the wagon had air-conditioning, but I know Dad didn’t turn it on had it been installed. We stayed primarily at kitschy campgrounds, most of which were very new, so few of them had trees. Not all of them had showers.

The result of all of this is that we were a carload of sweaty, sunburnt, itchy and sugar-topped powder kegs. My mom and dad had almost daily arguments or icy standoffs. We kids were bored, territorial and buzzed.

The drive was intense.

Dad was a powerful man. As a journeyman electrician he had surprising speed, strength and stamina. He could reach his hand back to the second row while driving and slap our bare legs with alarming accuracy and force.

Mom was a believer in strict discipline, though she sometimes tried to intercede before the hitting began. She’d be in line for guff if she got involved after that point.

At one roadside restaurant along I-80, a hectic place I remember being blindingly white with big windows, white and black asbestos tiles, white ceramic tiled walls and a white plaster ceiling, Mike and I took turns snapping butter patties up to the ceiling from white cloth napkins across our laps on the sly. We racked up three successes.

Later, as Dad started the car, our waitress came skittering toward us, yelling and waving. I froze in my seat next to the window nearest to the restaurant. My fingers and feet were tingling as I pictured what was about to transpire. A beating was assumed, but my dad was never going to forget this embarrassment. Not ever. In those rapidly diminishing seconds, I figured I would sneak away and live on my own, traveling along the freeway. My mom had bought me a rubber snake and a beaded “Indian” belt earlier in the day, and I figured that I’d use the snake somehow to snare food, and the belt would hold up branches of a lean-to.

The waitress, in a white dress and stockings that almost made her look like a nurse, reached the car. I was sitting behind my dad and had a perfect view of what would result in my death sentence.

“You left your wallet, ma’am!” she said, catching her breath. Ohs and thank yous from my mom and dad. As the waitress turned to go, Mom shoved five dollars at Dad, and after a second of bickering, he called her back and gave her the money.

My dad put the car in gear, and my mom sniffed the air. “Is Tommy’s diaper wet?” She turned to look, and our eyes locked, her brows knitting in concern.

She’d noticed even before me that I’d pissed my pants.

Several hours later, we arrived at our next campground. The terrain had turned from cast-iron hot and flat to big and bubbling foothills. This particular campground covered the southern hemisphere of one of those foothills.

For reasons I don’t remember, my dad drove of the main road and up the grass, almost to the office, before killing the engine. He took the keys and went to check in. Mom said we could get out of the car, but we had to stay in the area immediately around the station wagon. All four car doors flew open and out we shot, making the car look like a bug preparing to fly off.

Check-in always took a long time back then because so many other station wagons full of families were living the post-war middle-class adventure.

I’d walked down the slope, to the right rear corner of the trailer. From there, I could see my mom, trim, top-heavy and smoking near the front right bumper, holding my youngest brother, the dyspeptic butterball known as Tommy. Mom was wearing her big, faux tortoise-shell sunglasses, light blue sleeveless cotton button-up blouse and loose black shorts. She was wearing sandals with inch-wide white leather straps across the tops of her feet.

The rest of my brothers and my sister were further to the right goofing around. Actually, one of my brothers was missing: Terry, next oldest after Tommy.

Without warning, the trailer starting moving slowly backward, surprising me, because I hadn’t noticed my dad return. My job when the trailer started moving backward was to back out of the way and guide my dad, but the trailer quickly picked up speed. I’d only just gotten out of the way, moving off to the right. I watched bemused as it continued moving downhill in an arc away from me.

My mom was yelling something I couldn’t make out. The back right car door passed within inches of me and still I couldn’t move. I wasn’t afraid; it just didn’t make sense.

Then the edge of my mom’s car door hit my right torso and ripped the side of my right hip raw. I fell, rolled once and then lay still, watching the right front tire inches from crushing my ankles. Someone, I later learned it was a vacationing doctor, grabbed the base of my skull with two hands, like a chiropractor preparing to make an adjustment.

His hands were on me for a second or two, but I remember how they felt. They were strong and firm but gentle. They were cradling my head and pulling me out of danger. I felt calm in his hands. Regardless of the unreality of it all, his hands made me feel like this was just part of the day. Normal and reassuring. I never saw his face.

He was still holding my head when my mom’s face filled my vision. She was crying and checking me for broken bones, but I was still complete. I was aware of a large crowd of other campers gathered around and then I blacked out.

My next memory is a hard one.

Our campsite was set up, and I was on one of the slide-out beds in the camper. My thigh hurt, but it wasn’t so bad. It felt like a burning charley horse. I felt calm as I tried to remember everything that had happened.

The canvas window to my right was open. I saw in the twilight a picnic table and, further out, a campfire. My dad walked into my field of view dragging Terry by his spaghetti-thin arms. Terry had been wearing shorts the last time I saw him, but now he was in just a tshirt and pathetically baggy, thin BVD underpants.

He was moaning and crying as he was yanked to the table. My dad sat, using one hand to strip his belt off, never letting Terry go.

Terry had climbed into the car’s front seat back at the office and did what Mike and I had done. He took it out of gear. My dad hadn’t set the parking brake on a car parked on a hill with his family flitting around it like june bugs around a citronella lamp.

The beating Terry took was savage. He was dancing on his bare toes, hanging from the arm in my dad’s grip, trying to get away from the slashing leather. His free arm tried to block the belt, which only infuriated my dad more. He was sweating, growling and shouting around his cigarette.

Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! “Hold still, God damn it!” Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap!

Terry was rigid, shaking and quivering. He was whining and crying and hiccupping.

Then my mom swooped in trying to end it by feigning her own anger at him. She took Terry’s other hand and pulled, saying this is what you get; now you can go to bed without supper.

For the briefest moment, my dad refused to give Terry up. His arm was cocked and ready for more action, and his bulging, glassy eyes were wild. Mom noticed the moment, and swiveled to put herself between the belt and my brother.

Dad’s eyes screwed up at Mom, and it looked like he was going to go at her with the belt. There was no sound; not just in our campsite. There was no one to be seen in the other sites, and no one said a word. I imagine that’s the way it is right after a lioness brings down a zebra and looks around at the remaining herd.

That awful moment passed as my dad released his second-youngest son.

Unable to bend his legs, my mom gently lifted him by his armpits to get him in the camper, where he stood so Mom could look at his legs. She was facing away from me so I couldn’t see her reaction, but then I couldn’t look away from those vibrating, skinny white legs.

Raised, parallel welts, mottled pink and deathly white, ran back and forth. Splotches of dark red spidery webs blossomed where my dad had broken capillaries by the thousands.

Mom helped him into the bunk opposite mine, and put cold, wet cloths on his injuries. Outside, Dad was lighting another cigarette and drinking his umpteenth Stroh’s beer of the night.

My mom turned to look at me. “Stop crying, Jimmy. Get some sleep.”

Home, Achingly Beautiful Home

January 5th, 2017
That's the Milky Way?

This a portion of map of the Milky Way’s magnetic whorls. Credit: ESA

That Time the Sun Felt Lonely

January 5th, 2017

The fox was stretched out on her side in a green, grassy field chatting with the warm sun. “You sound sad,” said the fox to the sun. “It’s very unlike you.”

“It’s nothing,” replied the sun. “Summer doldrums.” And they continued talking about the improbability of snakes.

The sun said, “No neck or all neck, right?”

“Right!” chuckled the fox. But still, she knew something was wrong. “Are you sure everything’s OK?”

“Well,” said the sun, and then, in a whisper, he said, “I heard that the moon is always surrounded by friends in the sky.”


“The stars, you mean? Yes, that’s true,” agreed the fox. “They are very sparkly.”

“Are there a lot of them?” asked the sun.

“Oh, my, yes. They cover the night sky. No one has ever counted them all,” said Fox.

“Really? What do they do all night?” asked the sun.

“They talk,” said the fox. “They tell stories, mostly. I only see them when I can’t sleep.”

“Oh,” said the sun. That’s all he said. Then he soundlessly rolled over the horizon to sleep. A little early, too, noted the fox. Maybe it was her imagination.


The next morning, the fox sat in a meadow full of tall and soft grass staring east, waiting for the sun to come up. She grew worried when the sun didn’t slide up exactly when he usually did. A short while later, about the time it took a bee to find its first flower, the sun indeed rose.

“I was thinking all night long,” said the fox. “Do you want to guess what I was thinking about?”

“I’m not really in a guessing mood, I’m afraid,” the sun said.

“That’s OK, I’ll just tell you!” The fox, as everyone knows, is clever. She enjoyed puzzling over problems and mysteries, and she was never more excited than when she unknotted something.

“You, my friend, are lonely!” the fox said beaming.

“What is lonely?” asked the sun.

“You don’t know? It’s when you are the only one. When everyone else like you is somewhere you’re not,” explained the fox, sounding maybe a little too pleased with herself. Others — especially the timid rabbits — had gently suggested to her that this sometimes happened.

“Hmmm. There is no one in the sky with me,” said the sun. “I’m the only one.”

“Oh, but you have lots of friends! You have me and the other animals. Admittedly, not all are as chatty as I am,” the fox said.

“But you have fox friends. Fish have fish friends. Gorillas have gorilla friends. Have you ever seen another sun, Fox?”

“Well, of course not,” she replied. “Can you imagine how hot and bright things would be with two of you in the sky?” She giggled at the thought until she saw the sun turn a sad orange.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” the fox said, explaining that she wasn’t laughing at him.

“Apology accepted. Thanks, though I do wish I had never heard of stars.” He began pulling a soft, gray blanket of clouds across the sky.

“Where are you going?” shouted the fox.

“Hmm? Nowhere. I’ll be back.” And with that, he tugged clouds over the last patch of blue.

The sun rose even later the next day. He and the fox did have a great game of I Spy, which both enjoyed.

But the fox could swear the sun stayed a little closer to the horizon all day. She knew for sure that he never made it to the top of the sky before starting back down.

Right before he disappeared for the night, the fox came up with a great plan! It was her best plan ever! She excused herself and ran to the forest asking each tree for a favor.

“You all are so tall. Could you make some flowers way up high for Sun?” she asked. Flowers always made her feel better.

The trees listened carefully before putting their crowns together. The rustling was loud, and when it died down, the oldest tree, a sturdy oak, bowed down to the fox.

“We can do better than flowers!” the tree said.

“We can turn our leaves into flower colors!” the oak suggested. “Do you think that would that help?”

Fox jumped into the air. “YES! That is perfect!”

“Then, that’s what we will do,” said the tree. “Tomorrow morning, when the sun rises, he will be greeted by brilliant colors everywhere that there are trees.”

Fox was so excited. The next morning, she shot from her den. So eager for her friend appear that the fox did cartwheels until she was dizzy.

“Good morning!” the fox shouted while the sun was still climbing over the horizon.

“Oh! You startled me, old friend,” said the sun, a little grumpily. But he paused in the sky and crinkled his eyebrows in bewilderment. The sun scanned the land before him clearly surprised by something.

The fox turned around and saw for the first time a whole new world of colors. The velvety green leaves on the far side of the meadow were ablaze with shades of fiery red, warm orange, blinding yellow and deep purple.

For a second, she completely forgot about her friend the sun and his sadness. The sight pulled the air from her lungs and raised tears in her eyes.

Finally, she noticed her shadow slowly moving. The sun! Spinning around, the fox saw her friend looking happier than he had in days.

“It’s very, very beautiful, and it was so sweet of you all to do this for me,” said the sun. “Thank you! I feel better.”

Still, the fox noted that the sun floated dimmer and a little closer to the horizon all day.

“This is serious,” she sighed at the end of the day. Walking back to her den, the fox saw her shadow stretching in the low light, almost touching the beautiful forest across the field.

Right there and then came the most amazing idea! She didn’t have a moment to spare.

The fox would need a bigger shadow.


The fox ran north as fast as she could. Along the way she passed clusters of animals talking to each other worriedly and looking over their shoulders at the pale sun. Some shivered, something no one had experienced before. In fact, no one had ever felt cold before.

She’d shout at them, almost out of breath: “I (pant) have a (huff) plan! Keep talking to the (pant) sun!”

On the second day of the fox’s journey north, the sun was in the sky only long enough to melt some frost — another thing that was new to everyone.

The trees were giving up. They had begun dropping their beautiful red, orange, yellow and purple leaves, which fell to the ground and turned brown.

“Don’t lose hope, trees!” She continued running with all her might into the footsteps of her ever-growing shadow before her.

On the third day, when snow fell for the first time ever, the fox herself was beginning to worry. She’d never even heard of such a thing. Frozen sky! Very few animals were around as she ran and ran. Most of the smaller critters were underground in their burros. Bigger animals like buffalo and horses stood, unhappily, pointing their butts into the frigid wind and snow to keep it out of their eyes.

On the fourth day of her mission, the fox found herself running in a vast, open area of deep snow. There were no hills or trees or anything. The fox had to run-hop through the snow, and she was getting so tired and cold. Still, she would not give up on her friend.

Crouching in the bitterly cold air and snow for a minute, she turned to look for the sun. With a fright, she saw that he was mostly behind the horizon in the middle of the day. There really was only a brilliant yellow flare, and even that was sliding down.

The fox stood straight up and looked at her shadow. It went on forever, perfectly black and still. This was the time!

Sitting on her haunches facing her shadow, the fox pushed off out of the snow and high into the icy air. Then, quick as a whip crack, she grabbed the feet of her shadow. She raising it over her head like a long, long cape and snapped it onto the ground. There was a loud, echoing and cracking sound as the fox’s shadow shattered into millions of black bits.

There was an awful silence as the fox fell back to earth — and then! The pieces of her shadow rose into the air.

There were thousands and thousands of sharp little silhouettes swirling into the sky in crazy, beautiful curls and streaks, not one hitting another.

The fox whistled shrilly to them, and they moved toward her. She pointed toward the sun.

“There! Go there! He needs you, so go as fast as you can!” And off they shot, blackening the sky over her head, which was fortunate. She would hate to have anyone see her crying, even with joy. Crying is for crocodiles.


By the time she returned to the glen, her friend the sun was starting to come back. Little by little over a few weeks, his energy and smile came back. The sun named his new friends in the sky birds, which seemed appropriate because that was kind of the sound they made.

The weather warmed up, pushing the snow far, far north. The trees happily sprouted luscious green lives and animals no longer hid underground day and night.

Everyone was happy again and life returned to normal. Well, normal for almost everyone. The fox sometimes had a hard time getting the attention of her friend the sun, who laughed and joked and shared confidences constantly with them.

That’s OK, she thought, it was worth it to have her oldest and best friend in the world content again.

Besides, last night, she’d noticed that the moon wasn’t quite as full as she usually was. She’d have to talk to her tonight.

The Blizzard of 1974

January 3rd, 2017

My brother Mike shook me awake to tell me Dad wasn’t back yet. I looked at the clock. Almost 1 am. The house was shaking in a colossal wind that had not been there when we went to bed. The roller shades were sighing out and back from the leaky, noisy windows. Everyone else in the house was asleep.

This is Dan, a year after the attempted rescue, sitting on our new tractor. Behind him are the house and milk shed.

I put on jeans and a heavy shirt, pulled on thick socks, and we moved quietly down the tall, narrow stairway to the kitchen. Mike turned on the light, and we cupped our eyes against the windows to look outside. There was nothing to see. The bright yard light was filtered into blue-white milkiness by the heavy blowing snow. The best it could offer was a filmy glow. We couldn’t see the drive, the pole barn or even the enormous oak standing 20 feet from the house.

The last time we’d seen Dad he was driving to Symerton, a nearby flyspeck with a granary and a bar. Then, it was brilliantly sunny and calm. A February snowstorm, two days before my fourteenth birthday, had just passed through, leaving 12 new inches of snow on top of the preceding two feet. A county grader had come through earlier in the day to plough the gravel road and, as a courtesy, our drive.

Our stalwart tractor, a 1951, red and gray Ford 8N, was 23 years old at that point. About the size of the 1970 Chevy Nova one of my friends owned, it was still too small to push a blade through that much snow.

The temperature had been dropping as my dad drove off in our new, cream-colored 1974 Chevy Suburban. I myself had driven it through heavy drifts snaking across Interstate 55 near our farm in northeast Illinois, feeling the sudden, pillowy deceleration as the tires split through each bar. I wasn’t worried about Dad getting stuck as long as he stayed on plowed roads. That’s not at all what concerned me.

Dad said he was going to get milk, something that was sold in the tavern. With five school-aged boys — me and my younger brothers Mike, Dan, Terry and Tommy — in the house, we went through it fast. My mom was fighting breast cancer in a Chicago hospital at the time, and my older sister Kim was living with a foster family in a suburb. My dad never drank milk or even much water unless you were talking about his morning coffee. It was Stroh’s beer the rest of the day, including at lunch while he worked as a journeyman union electrician in and around Chicago.

He was six feet tall and had the body of someone who’d worked since the Navy pulling wire, bending conduit and using hand tools over his head a lot of the day. His ebony-black hair was thin but combable over a face that had been long and angular. Now it was rounder and comically expressive. A master teller of hilarious stories, half of the enjoyment of hearing his stories was watching that face. Squinty suspicion, bug-eyed surprise and everything in between. He was even more impressive expressing anger, disdain and mockery.

My worry was how drunk Dad would get at the Symerton tap. He took every opportunity to go to a bar, or anyplace where he could drink with other drunks. He always had and always would. I resented him leaving because, as the oldest boy, I was on the hook for feeding and managing my brothers. They didn’t much listen to me, and I didn’t handle the authority well. And anything that went wrong, anything that got broken, any chore or task not done was my fault. Drunk or sober, my dad yelled and screamed and hit and whipped us. Sober was better because he’d eventually get tired or distracted, and tell us to go to our room while he sulked.

Drinking closed those avenues, creating furious circles for his mind to run in. He might tell who ever was the object of his anger that he was like a fart, or bellow about how one of his boys was a worthless asshole, bastard, shit head, idiot or mope. He liked to say, “Green side up, dummy” to us when we did something stupid. It was a reference to a joke he told about an inept black or Polish yard worker installing sod.

“Say, asshole. Get over here.” You heard that and you reported to the kitchen table, a large, round gray Formica-clad piece of furniture seemingly created for our family of eight. A central post and several struts, all squeaky aluminum, supported the top. My dad’s spot was against a wall, with good sight lines all around him. We tried to enter the room so that he was across the table from us. Dad would sit with an unfiltered Pall Mall burning between the stubby, meaty fingers of one hand resting next to a large ashtray, and a can of Stroh’s between his other thumb, index and middle finger.

If he was tired and only kind of angry, you might get off with just a derisive lecture. He might yell and hammer the table hard with a peg-like finger before sending you off with a look of disgust, or he’d just sit there staring at you, with eyes bulging and his upper lip turning white in his grimace. In that case, his fury would rise until you heard the creak of aluminum as he pushed himself up from the table. It was fast.

Dad was a great athlete and very capable of rounding an obstacle before striking. Then he was on you, hitting, yanking and pushing. Sometimes he stopped to make a point by poking his hammer-finger hard into your chest. “Why’d you do that? Are you goofy? Do that again and I’m going to break your ass.”

As often as not, you’d hear his leather belt being pulled from its loops and the tinkling of the buckle as he folded it to whip you forehand and backhand. It wasn’t always easy for him. We’d try to protect our backsides with a free arm, and he’d lose his shit. “Stand still. I didn’t even hit you yet. Move your arm or I swear to Christ I’ll break it. Let me hit you. God damn you.”

Afterward, he’d go back to his cigarette and beer, his lip still incandescent, the belt at the ready on the table. Crying was an invitation to ridicule. “Oh, dry up. Crybaby. That didn’t hurt.” Not crying was to challenge him. “Oh, really? Think you can take me? Take your shot, you punk.” Dad would often stand over you just looking. It was a mystery what he was thinking, but you just endured it. Asking to leave after a beating was to ask for more punishment — you weren’t sufficiently terrorized and humiliated if you still could put a sentence together.

Watching him leave was no great relief. Dad always came back.


I started dinner while I could still see the brake lights of my dad’s truck on Arsenal Road, which led to Symerton. It was hamburgers and mashed potatoes. Done, we started our obligatory argument about who was going to clean the kitchen, which was followed by bickering about what we’d watch on TV. It was a school night or we’d have stayed up until 10 or so — enough time to be in bed before my dad got home, usually. We went up to bed at 8:30.

The house was an old, white wood-frame cube with no exterior ornamentation save for pink-gray asphalt shingles and red shutters. There were storm windows, but the lower sashes hung loose, attached by cords to sash weights within the casings. A lot of heat escaped, so we slept in long johns under layers and layers of covers. When Mike woke me up, the windows were banging back and forth as the wind — surely a blizzard — slammed into them.

We talked in the kitchen about our options for a few minutes and then Dan (two years younger than me and a year younger than Mike), joined us. Not too much later, my two youngest brothers, Terry and Tommy came down wrapped in blankets. The roar of the wind and the commotion of the windows had woken them up.

The first decision was easy. I called the tavern. No answer. Then we agreed I’d call the county sheriff, where someone told me not to worry. The last thing we agreed on without an argument was that we wouldn’t call our Uncle Jack. He lived an hour away, and if we called, he’d come, and that was crazy.

The sheriff called back while we were hashing things out to say that a Suburban had been spotted about a mile away, where our road met a paved highway called Peotone Road. We were told that the officer who spotted it didn’t think he could or should stop right then to check things out, that word had been passed to the state police and the county’s roads department. Someone would be on the scene within an hour or two.

My dad would be dead by then. Mike and I decided we would take the tractor down the road and either pull the truck back (something I was not sure it could do) or load him onto the tractor and bring him home.

Immediately, Dan, who was, after all, the middle child, told us he was going. Terry and Tommy just watched the argument. I pointed out that the tractor had one seat — hardly enough room for two people, much less three.

Mike and I put on every stitch of clothes we could find, including our dressy brown corduroy coats and walked to the door like astronauts leaving for an EVA. In front of the door leading to the rear yard was Dan, also looking like a stuffed starfish. I had no argument left in me, and I realized how easy Mike and I had already gotten off when Terry and Tommy didn’t demand to come along as well.

I opened the door, directly under the yard light, and saw what looked like a frozen hurricane.

We stood stunned for a minute on the stoop, protected from the screaming storm by our house. Apart from the howl of the wind itself, snow hissed like radio static as it scraped around, over and across everything. Our family’s prized century-old oak groaned and writhed and bent like it was retching with its back to the storm. Flapping roof shingles over us hummed like a giant contemplating violence. The TV antenna, 20 feet up on a timber pole, vibrated, adding a Theremin weirdness to the explosion of noise.

What little we could see of the yard was a polarscape; everything was black or dazzling blue-white. Small and large humps hid any evidence that the drive had been plowed just hours ago. An ancient wrought iron two-bottom field plow remained an impassive silhouette, buried to its rusted, peaked hitch works. Alone among the man-made objects, it taunted the storm for more abuse.

We couldn’t see the white aluminum barn, but it was maybe 50 feet from us, a good measure of the conditions we were facing. Mike set off first, I followed him and Dan walked in our footsteps.

My exposed eyes and cheeks stung in the dry and cold wind, but I don’t recall feeling particularly cold. The overwhelming sensation was that of trying to walk under a quickly flowing river. Leaning aggressively into the gusts, which blew across us, from left to right, we nearly fell as we passed the small milk shed, which abruptly blocked the bullying. Next to the white cinder-block shed stood our large gas tank, perched on four-foot-tall angle-iron struts.

We were halfway to the barn before we could see it. It was 60 feet long and 25 feet tall, all white except for dark red edging. A large sliding door faced us, and beside it was a conventional swinging entry door. We moved as fast as we could toward that door.

Once inside, we turned on the lights to see long fingers of fine snow stabbing in from gaps between the windward wall and the ground. After fighting the gale outside, the barn felt alien in its comparative stillness. Tools and gear were strewn about, as was normal. One whole corner of the building, up to the roof, held green-gray hay bales, fragrant even in the cold.

Daisy, our forlorn pony stood in her stall, which needed shoveling. Mike had walked her from her corral to the barn two days ago, before the weather got ugly. She had withstood any number of snowstorms and thunderstorms, standing with her tail into the wind, her head lowered, Eeyore-like, until the trouble passed. Daisy wouldn’t have survived this blizzard, though. We would later learn that the windstorm had claimed the lives of five calves in the area. It was Mike who most often took care of Daisy. He picked up a small ax to break the ice covering her water tub.

The tractor sat with its large rear tires close to the barn’s third entrance, a tall garage-style door. It came in after Daisy. When you think of a tractor, the famed 8N does not automatically come to mind. Were it much smaller it would be a big lawn tractor. That’s not to say it had no power. It had plenty of guts. It pulled the two-bottom plow outside and other implements with relative ease. It was, in fact, the perfect size for our five-acre vegetable farm.

Its modestly dented nose and grill were creamy gray and embossed with Ford’s cursive logo. The iron chassis was painted fire-engine red, giving the model its nickname, Red Belly. To this day, the 8N can be spotted in rural areas, and every one that I’ve ever seen still has this paint scheme. They run so reliably, it’s possible that no one wants to tempt fate by making a single change.

There’s no protective (some would say coddling) cab on the 8N, and every feature you need to access or operate with the exceptions of the oil dipstick and fill are within reach as you sit in the unforgiving, vaguely ass-shaped steel seat. A hatch on top of the nose, right in front of the steering wheel, hides the gas tank cap. The throttle is between the gray nose cowl and wheel. The gearshift is between your knees, and your feet rest on running boards on each side of the red transmission. A strap-shaped iron pedal on the left engages the clutch. On the other side, two facing pedals operate each of the rear wheel brakes individually unless you step on both at once.

We had an iron draw bar attached to four lift arms that stood out from the rear of the tractor like greater-than signs (when viewed from the tractor’s left side). Implements were hooked onto the draw bar and pulled by the tractor. Mike and Dan would be standing on the draw bar, holding onto the large shell-like gray rear fenders.

I got up in the seat, turned the key, and it started right up. My forest-green Ford Gran Torino wouldn’t cough on a night like that. Dan pushed the garage door up, Mike got on behind me and I thought, we can do this.

Being on the lee side of the barn, the area immediately surrounding the door was almost free of snow, though the gravel was frozen into something like a single pebble-surfaced rock. We backed out, wheeled around and started toward the road. The drifts were two and three feet high and just as broad. Guessing where the drive was, I drove slowly in first gear past the kitchen windows. Terry and Tommy sat watching us, wrapped in blankets.

Turning right onto the road and directly into the blizzard, the house blocked our yard light, and we were shocked again. Staring forward, it was hard to see much more than 10 feet, but looking up, we saw that the sky was clear and hard in the freezing atmosphere. A less-than-full moon and fierce stars shone down. Standing on a household ladder would have gotten my face above the blowing snow, which probably had been picked up in the next county over.

The going was slow, and worse was yet to come. Our farm sat on an easy rise, which meant that bigger drifts would be piling up farther down the road like waves cresting in front of a beach.

I drove on, feeling the drifts begin to jerk the tractor’s smaller front wheels left and right. Before I could really think about that, though, the engine bucked and died.

This had never happened before, and I panicked. We weren’t going to save Dad, and the tractor would be blocking the road when the county came around to clear the roads. There would be no way around it. And I was acutely aware that the farmers we knew would know that I stalled the tractor in the center of the road in the middle of a blizzard. I admit that the order of these thoughts were different at that moment.

I opened the hatch and twisted off the gas cap. The moon was almost overhead and with it I could tell that the tank was all but dry. I couldn’t believe our good fortune! None of us could. We had hundreds of gallons of gasoline a quarter of a mile back, next to the milk shed. Buttoning things up, we struggled home in the rapidly disappearing tire tracks.

Dan ran in the barn for the gas key and Mike filled a 20-gallon gas can. We didn’t realize it, but the wind had begun dropping and by the time we had walked back to the tractor, the air was clear of snow. It was still very windy, however, which posed the next problem. We hadn’t brought a funnel.

Dan tried to pour the fuel into the mouth of the tank, but there was a four- or five-inch gap between the nozzle and the tank mouth. Almost all of the gas was being blown away, largely onto Dan. Mike yelled about making a funnel with our hands, and that’s what he and I did.

The pain was excruciating. Not only did we have to take our gloves off, but the gas splashing over our hands stole any warmth they still had. Dan poured as much as he could before we closed the tank, put our gloves back on and restarted the engine. It was Dan’s idea to hold our hands in front of the exhaust pipe, which was low and between the rear wheels. That helped but we had no idea how much gas actually made it into the tank. We had to move on or risk running out of fuel again.

We left the can there because no one could hold the handle, our hands were so cold. However our mission turned out, we could pick it up on our return. In fact, it wasn’t seen again until April when the last of the snow melted.

The drifts grew even larger as we set off again, pushing the front end toward either culvert. We decided to turn the tractor around and drive it in reverse. The bigger tires did better in the deepening snow. Mike sat in the seat looking over his shoulder, Dan stood on a running board and leaned on a rear fender, and I, ridiculously, drove sitting on the nose, steering and adjusting the throttle.

The sweat we three had worked up hauling the gas was further cooling our bodies as we rode into the still-punishing wind. We all shivered visibly.

Not a hundred feet on, I noticed the big tires started slipping occasionally. Looking at the snow under us, I could see that the dense drifts were getting so high that they were lifting the tractor’s chassis. Called “islanding”, it was like driving over a wedge placed between the wheels, which rose and lost traction.

I had lost all sense of time. Had we been outside for a half-hour? An hour? Looking back, the house seemed small and far away. The tracks we’d left closest to our home already had been erased.

It occurred to me that not only might we not save Dad, we ourselves might soon need saving.

We sat for a second. The best idea anyone could come up with was to run back for shovels to shave off the tops of the drifts. For almost a mile, at night in a winter windstorm, and no one who could help us knew we were out here.

Mike called it. We and the tractor were at our limits. Trees ahead were buried several feet up their trunks. Dan was now shaking in his gas-soaked clothes. We were done.

Without turning the tractor around again, we rolled slowly back home.


We sat shivering under blankets on the carpet by the living room baseboard radiator. My hands up to my wrists were numb and my fingers felt like they were throbbing. I felt lightheaded from exhaustion, exposure and defeat. Weirdly, my fingers hurt more as they warmed, reaching agonizing levels.

Meanwhile, Terry filled us in. A state police sergeant called while we were outside saying they’d gotten an officer to Dad’s Suburban, but there was no one in or around it. There were a few houses within a couple hundred yards, and the troopers felt it was likely that the occupants had invited our dad in. There was no plan, however, to have a trooper knock on those doors. Don’t worry, we were told, and get some sleep.

Mike, Dan and I looked at each other incredulously. We’d been out there and knew very well that Dad could have gotten stuck, and being drunk, tried to walk home. His tracks would disappear in a matter of minutes. And Dad would have called if he’d made it to a house.

But there was nothing we could do. We didn’t accept what the police had said, but going back out there was suicide. So we did what were told and went back to bed.

We woke late to a painfully bright, cloudless — and still gusty — morning. Our windows still banged in their sashes a bit, and room temperature in the house was 61 degrees. The road was plowed, but only between our drive and Arsenal Road — in other words, heading away from where we assumed the Suburban was stranded. Dad was not in his bed.

Without a word, everyone ate oatmeal. At about 9, our Uncle Jack came crashing up our drive in his beat-up, brick-red pickup. Riding with him was Dad. They came in laughing and slapping each other’s backs.

My dad didn’t waste time telling us what happened. Instead he immediately issued orders. I had to go in the barn and get some tools: a short sledge hammer; the BernsOmatic propane blowtorch, with extra tanks; a heavy cloth tarp; lock deicer; the long jumper cables; flash lights, with fresh batteries; the big combination-wrench set; flammable starter fluid, to spray down the carburetor to help the engine kick over; and a camp cooler. (The cooler was to keep the beer they would be bringing from freezing.)

Everyone else had to “start cleaning up this shit hole.” When I came back in, Dad and Uncle Jack were drinking beers and laughing at the kitchen table until they wheezed. Eventually, Mike and I were told to suit up, and the four of us left, with the kids in the middle of the pickup’s bench seat.

Illinois farmland generally is parceled out in squares a mile to a side, with asphalt or gravel roads forming the boundaries. We couldn’t drive directly to the truck because it hadn’t been plowed, so we drove clockwise around the square. Mike and I hadn’t said a thing about our night. There was no telling how Dad would react.

The landscape around us, however, was enough to strike us dumb. There was nothing but rolling drifts set off by their blue shadows. A few trees along the road and a stream stood in perfect relief. The few houses we saw looked like odd boats sailing frozen seas.

“Is that gasoline?” my dad asked, sniffing. “Where’s the gas?”

Uncle Jack shrugged, and then Dad looked down at me. It was Mike’s and my hands. The skin on mine still burned and showed bright red. I burrowed them between my thighs. Dad’s brow dropped and his upper lip lit up a little. The message was clear. He knew I’d been doing something I shouldn’t, something involving gas. He was going to break my ass when we got the truck home.

My dad never told us very much about what happened. He maintained that he’d left for milk, got the milk and started back only to find Arsenal Road impassable. Turning around and driving to Peotone Road, which ran parallel to Arsenal, he was forced to stop almost immediately, just after the intersection of Peotone and our road. That’s pretty much the story I got.

A commercial farmer we knew well, Danny Phelan, was already parked behind the Suburban. Though a quieter man than either my dad or uncle, Danny was laughing and shaking his head at the scene. He found my dad endlessly amusing, and they remained friends until Dad died many years later.

Swirling wind had carved an almost perfect oblong bowl of snow around our truck. There was no doubt that Dad had hit an enormous drift and was stuck fast. Fierce aerodynamics created curving walls of snow four and five feet high. Orange gravel was frozen underneath the Suburban as solidly as it was outside our barn.

While the adults joked, Mike and I started shouldering the doors to break the ice holding them closed. I got the driver-side door open and stared. It looked like someone had spilled a pizza on the inside on the door. Dad came around right then with Danny and my dad laughed all the more, saying that as he’d sat in the truck trying to figure out what to do, snow piled up behind him, blocking the exhaust pipe. Dad said he was sick with carbon monoxide poisoning. He said he opened the door a crack and vomited.

But the content of the vomit, its direction and the lack of vomit on the ground told me different. We didn’t have pizza at the house. He’d gone to the bar, not a grocery store, ate a pizza and drank too much. At some point, Dad left the bar and, as he said, found Arsenal Road blocked. He drove the other way, but got sick. Unwilling to pull over in the storm, he puked as he drove. The vomit pattern indicated that it had been sucked backwards and out of the Suburban. Had he vomited sitting on our road, with his back to the storm, the wind would have blown the door half off its hinges when he opened it, and the offal would have splattered in the cab.

Over the next several months, I pieced together what happened after that. Based on overheard conversations my dad had and discussions I had with other farm kids, it was obvious that Dad almost died at least three times that night and the next morning.

First, of course, he was hammered as he drove. Second, he could have been stranded farther from any shelter.

As it happens, there was a new, brick ranch-style house right at the corner where Dad had buried the Suburban in snow. He got out of his truck and knocked on the door of that house, but a mixed-race couple lived there, fairly isolated and under a big, bright Peotone Road streetlight. They built that house there because they feared problems with racists. I note here that as far as I know, every farmer we knew had no problem with this couple. My dad, on the other hand, had a big problem, though he would never start anything or try to force them out. From my experience, he was primarily a passive-aggressive bigot.

Regardless, I’m confident that even in that particular storm, no one in that house was going to answer the door in the middle of the night.

Dad struggled to the next house along Peotone, an old wood-frame farmhouse. He must have been getting pretty cold at this point. Again, he knocked but got no response. He stumbled to the next house, a good bit farther away from our road. Even drunk, he had to have figured he was in danger, so when no one answered at the third house, he broke a pane of glass on a rear door, unlocked the door, and walked in, probably half-dead.

My dad later woke on a couch in a stranger’s living room. What really caught his attention, though, was the 12-gauge shotgun inches from his nose. Fittingly (in my opinion), mixed marriage was fine for our neighbors, but breaking and entering was a wholly different matter.

He talked his way out of that situation as he had many other situations of his making. No doubt he sat and had coffee with the farmer and his family, but I don’t know.

At some point, Dad called my uncle, who picked him up and drove him home.


While we waited for the Suburban’s battery to recharge, my dad handed me a window scraper and told me to chip off the vomit. Puke duty was singularly painful. My fingers were hypersensitive to shocks and bangs, and my snowmobile gloves might as well have been my mom’s old evening-out gloves for how warm they kept my hands.

The rest of the truck was as frozen as the vomit. My uncle had to lie underneath the Suburban with the blowtorch to thaw the gearshift, the transmission oil and the crankcase oil, the last two of which had jellied in the storm. We got the engine running after about an hour, and covered the front grill with the tarp had to speed up the thawing process. The adults retreated to Danny’s sedan, laughing and drinking beer.

Mike sat next to me in the cold Suburban while I occasionally revved the engine. I told Mike that Dad wasn’t telling the whole truth. He didn’t say anything for a minute and then we started arguing about it. It was a short argument. We were far too tired, cold and hurting, and it didn’t matter. In Mike’s mind, Dad had gotten stuck in a blizzard and he was OK. All true. It was another story for him to tell hilariously. My closest brother at the time, he always seemed to accept that a kid’s life was hard and subject to whatever whims a nearby adult had in mind. I disagreed.

Two hours after we’d arrived on the scene, Uncle Jack hooked a chain onto the Suburban’s chassis and pulled it back toward Peotone Road, through the wall of stiff, blown snow. Everyone gathered briefly one last time, laughing and congratulating each other. I asked my dad: Where’s the milk?

The men erupted with guffaws. They couldn’t stop, and I know why. Danny and Uncle Jack knew pretty much what had really happened. I hadn’t caught my dad in a lie, exposing him. I hadn’t needled him with the truth. It didn’t matter to them what really happened, and it certainly didn’t matter what I thought.

He didn’t answer me. I drove the Suburban, Mike road in Uncle Jack’s truck with Dad, and Danny left for his farm.

10 Most Destructive Weather-Related Disasters (With Caveats)

May 9th, 2012

Tornado aftermathDetermining the most destructive weather-related disasters in history is deceptively hard.

What constitutes destruction?

You can count lives lost, but that skews heavily toward the late 19th and early 20th centuries when urban populations grew much faster than the ability for populations to be warned or evacuated. You can count property damage, but that skews to the last 50 years when expensive, extensive and aging infrastructure has collapsed like sand castles.

Do you include events like famines, which by definition involve short-sighted, grotesque or just plain murderous government decisions? Whole civilizations have again and again obliterated themselves this way.

But determine we must, so here’s my list of 10, with caveats. I’m not counting famines, given the bloody thumbs resting on the scale of horror. And I’m counting the only factors that will always matter — lives lost. In all cases, death tolls are estimates.

10.  1991 Bangladesh Cyclone; 138,000 dead

vast flooding after the 1991 bangladesh cyclone

In lands so close to sea level, the misery and death of a cyclone can go on for weeks.

Many shelters built after the 1970 Bhola cyclone (see No. 5) sat all but empty as this particularly fast storm ran ashore.

Residents either forgot where the shelters were, forgot how powerful major cyclones can be or both. The result was massive drownings.



9. China’s 1935 Yangtze river flood; 145,000 dead

The Yangtze is one of China’s storied rivers (the other being the Yellow, which we’ll hear about in a minute). The 1930s were a particularly deadly period for the Yangtze, with catastrophic floods in 1931 and 1935. The latter disaster was akin to removing the population of a major U.S. suburb from the planet.

8. Super Typhoon Nina, 1975, China; 231,000 dead

Super typhoon Nina destroyed this dam and killed 231,000.

Nina took out the Banqiao Dam, unleashing more floods that, in turn, took out more dams....

Nina was one of the first modern monsters to attack Asia.

It would have killed tens of thousands all by itself, but it was able to destroy the Banqiao Dam thereby setting in motion a regional game of death-dominoes. Dam after dam fell, each loosing another wall of racing water.



7.   1881 Haiphong Cyclone, Vietnam; 300,000 dead

flooded viet nam

A scene that would have looked all to familiar, even back in 1881.

Just as the U.S. has its Tornado Alley, Southeast Asia has a cyclone corridor, which runs right over Haiphong.





6. India Cyclone, 1839; at least 300,000 dead

india flood drawing

Even major floods are as much a part of India's culture as henna art.

The harbor city of Coringa was so devastated by this cyclone’s 40-foot storm surge that it was never completely rebuilt.

Fully 20,000 boats were destroyed, and with them, the livelihoods of hundreds of thousands.

It’s not like this tragedy was unheralded. Just 50 years earlier, another cyclone took 20,000 lives in the same region.

5.  1970 Bhola Cyclone, East Pakistan (now Bangladesh); 500,000-1 million dead

bhola damage

The stakes for low-lying Southeast Asia got higher with Bhola.

Some areas of East Pakistan saw mortality rates of almost 50% in the wake of this storm. The mean death rate throughout the impacted region neared one in five.

Out at sea, a 5,500-ton freighter was sunk by the storm, now estimated to have been the equivalent of a category-3 hurricane.


4. China’s 1887 Yellow River flood; 900,000-2 million dead

Yellow River

The Yellow begins innocently enough, but can be a raging tyrant as it moves.

The Yellow, or Hwang He, River could only be a disaster waiting to happen.

One of the world’s longest rivers, it empties a vast portion of China’s watershed area. And it carries a particular sediment, which is yellow, that can make up to 60% of the river’s entire volume.

As the river slows crossing vast plains, the silt settles, broadening the river. When ice dams in Mongolia break loose in the spring, the stage is set for massive flooding. The 1887 flood was one of China’s worst, and that’s saying a lot for a flood-prone nation.


3.  The 1931 Yellow River flood; 1,000,000-3,700,000 dead

victims of the 1931 yellow river floods

The water-weary Chinese likely didn't know if they were coming or going in 1931.

This wasn’t really one flood. There wasn’t even one cause.

A two- or three-year drought ended in 1930 with mountainous snows which, of course, melted. Then seven cyclones raked the region.

The Yellow became less of a river than an aorta, pulsing with flood water for a year.


2.  1941 China Drought; 3 million dead

Droughts often are lumped in with famines, but not this one. The nationalist Chinese government was apparently too busy ousting the brutal, invading Japanese army to tinker with agriculture.

A severe drought brought much of the nation’s interior to its knees before wiping out a population greater than modern-day Chicago.


1. 1918-1919 El Nino; complicit in 20 million-100 million deaths

scores of flu victims on cots

Did El Nino give the Great Flu Pandemic a boost?

This is a shocker. New research indicates that along with troop movements during World War I, the peculiar Pacific weather pattern known as El Nino could have played a significant role in the Great Flu Pandemic.

Scientists say that El Nino was abnormally strong as the pandemic grew, and they don’t think it was a coincidence. El Nino altered weather patterns over the U.S., now believed to have been that flu’s incubator, creating good conditions for transmission. It also caused a historically severe drought in India, weakening that population’s collective immunity to disease.

11 Weather Catastrophes: Celebrity Edition

May 9th, 2012

Sometimes the worst weather disasters aren’t spotted or tracked by satellites or radar. The International Red Cross doesn’t show up with blankets and coffee. The President doesn’t send billions in disaster aid.

But that doesn’t make the following catastrophes any less heartbreaking or worthy of round-the-clock cable news coverage. At least we can be grateful that no one was seriously hurt in these terrible incidents.

11. Jack Nicholson and the Sun

Jack wants to know who took his belly button

Any of yous seen my navel?










Is it any less of a shame when the weather, in this case, a hot, windless day out in the ocean, forces you to create your own calamity? “Nick” seems unfazed, but then again, there are three men on that boat and four women. Looks like someone’s going to have to double up….

10. Humidity Victimizes Actress Eva Amurri

A hot day doesn't make a little (ok, a lot) of sweat a wall flower

If you put circles around my pit stains, I’m coming after you














You start your day in Hollywood glamour, content with being a TV and movie star. But then maybe your Fiesta dies on the way to the red carpet, and it’s L.A., so there’re no cabs, and no one slows down for you on the PCH much less offers you a ride, and the kid in the yard wants one-fiddy for his bike but you only got $100 and you have to run through Santa Monica in your $400 Stella McCartney knockoff. That’s a tragedy that would choke up Anderson Cooper.

9. Benicio Del Toro’s Cumulohimbus

Benicio kills even with pompadour

The National Weather Service reported severe ground-level updrafts in the area.

In his movies, Del Toro survives almost everything except for a silver bullet in (and reviews for) “The Wolfman.”

Then this.

Initial reports indicated that the actor had driven through an errant pocket of helium, but it was later confirmed that a simple yet strong updraft caught his coiffure.

His hair had the consistency of meringue.



8. Courtney Love vs. the World

One or maybe even two trucks seem to have creased Courtney

You saw that tornado I just walked through, right?

A strange attractor for all kinds of disasters, punk performer Courtney Love, shown here shortly after being kicked out of a New York club by the band that had actually been booked to play, stumbled straight into the first tornado to hit Brooklyn in recorded history.



7. Reservoir ‘Dogs’ Tarantino

Quentin Tarantino's image problem is his image

I’m going with a Jheri Curl malfunction.

Quentin Tarantino can be close to god-like in his ability to control forces of nature like Michael Madsen, Harvey Keitel and Robert DeNiro.

He’s less successful with the real thing. Here, humidity, rain and maybe a close call with lightning have the master director offering a brave (grandmotherly) face for the public.


6. Katie Holmes Blown Away

Katie Holmes

Hubby Tom Cruise believes hair elastics are psychiatric mind-control devices.

Pretty is as pretty does. Until pretty walks into the mini-cyclones that form at the entrance of Chicago skyscrapers.

Katie Holmes never had a chance as she exited a Michigan Ave. coffee shop. Between the gust and the photographers, she was lucky to find her way back to husband Tom Cruise’s suffocating isolating waiting arms.



5. You’re A-List, Steve. You Can Lose the Jacket

Steve Carell is hot

“No, I’m lactating. Long story.”

Steve Carell, one of the more unlikely comic leading men in movies today, is an ordinary Joe at heart. And under his arms.

In case you can’t tell, that’s a three-layer sweat stain, provoked by a Manhattan August, or as the month has been renamed there, Asthma.

(Jim Carrey was spotted moments later soaking his Armani jacket in a fountain to upstage Carell. To no avail.)

4. Mother Nature Deals Cruel Blow to Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston

A very, very, very slightly less-than-perfect Jennifer tells weather to go to “heck.”

Jennifer Aniston is the female Tom Hanks. They are the nicest person in Hollywood.

So when Aniston walked out of a category-5 hurricane and into a local laundromat with several loads of wash one recent Sunday morning, onlookers were shocked to see hair out of place and some odd highlights marring her otherwise flawless Grecian beauty.

Some patrons ran out into the storm, shaking their fists at an unrepentant sky.

3. Nolte’s Version of ‘How Dry I Am’ Is Judged ‘Unconvincing’

Nick Nolte needs a drink

Nick finds it hard to dry out.

Record heat in California’s Inland Empire has wilted more than the nation’s salad bowl.

Clearly, the shirt worn here by grumbly actor Nick Nolte will never be the same.





2. Sweetheart Zellweger Caught Out of Her ‘Habitable Zone’

renee zellweger

“Save yourselves! Run! Weather’s coming!”

It’s well-known that elfin actress Renee Zellweger has a right-kind-of-light beauty, but who knew she required such a narrow range of climate, too?

Estimates vary, but experts figure Zellweger was experiencing humidity, heat, wind, rain, high UV rays and flying debris when this photo was taken.


1. Tropical Heat Boils in Hillary Clinton’s Blood

Hillary Clinton

The tropical heat gets everybody.

Colombia’s sultry weather will take the starch out of potatoes, so is it any wonder that when Former First Lady and current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton visited this year she would … relax?

Sure, a few rum drinks might have her out there doing this thing that looks like dancing, but only the waterlogged atmosphere in Columbia could lay out her hair like that.

No, ’twas weather that unwound this clock. (And good for her.)



Picturing Phobos-Grunt’s Sad Final Days

January 12th, 2012

Looking more like a religious icon than a once-ambitious interplanetary probe, Phobos-Grunt is getting renewed attention as it approaches its upcoming crash.

German researchers captured this fiery image of the ill-fated Russian Mars probe, Phobos-Grunt. It doesn’t actually look like this. Yet.

The radar image was captured by the Fraunhofer Institute for High Frequency Physics and Radar Techniques. No word on why the scientists decided that campfire-orange was the best tint to give the digital image.

Regardless, Phobos will indeed be that color in three to five days, when it re-enters Earth’s atmosphere. Paranoia surrounding the failed mission goes beyond worries about being hit on the head by flaming debris. Some think Phobos was attacked by U.S. energy beams.

The Workers’ Paradise Has It All. Including Pickpockets?

January 12th, 2012

Are these guys biding their time until they can grab their socialist worker-sister’s pocketbook?

Let’s list what is odd about this photo taken in a North Korean rail station:

  1. You could eat off the floor of the station
  2. All the men have exactly the same haircut
  3. Seven people, 0 iPhones
  4. People are doing something that I think used to be called reading a newspaper

What about that woman on the right? She’s wearing her backpack backwards. Any photo of any public space anywhere in the world will include bunches of people, usually women, doing the same thing. They do it to foil pickpockets.

North Korea has pickpockets?

Looking beyond the obvious — that the workers’ paradise isn’t — what could a North Korean have to pick? Doesn’t look like she has a lot of wheat or rice in the bag. Mass cards from Kim Jung-Il’s funeral? It’s damn sure not an mp3 player or a wallet full of credit cards.

The only thing that makes sense is maybe tranqs. Living in the treads of your glorious leader’s boot has got to be immeasurably stressful.

The bigger mystery, however, is her footwear. White soles on black shoes. White?

Chemist Finds Evidence That God’s A Programmer And You’re His PC

January 11th, 2012

Note: This post originally ran on True/Slant in 2010. Not knowing when or if the archive of this defunct brand will be deleted, I’m moving some stories here.

I sympathize with people who look at science’s explanation of life and find it too fanciful to be true.

A navy of invisible granules with long tails swim out of a penis and up a vagina, through an unremarkable opening, into a lightless cavern, seeking something they have never seen before — an egg. There they get really frantic, trying to get through the egg’s wall, spit out a chemical code and die. As improbable and herculean as this mission is, it succeeds often enough that humans are in danger of stripping an entire planet of its resources.

And it all happens without a guiding hand.

The alternate theory, explained to me by the severe Sister Julie in an especially stern mood, is that God looks at every man and woman and decides whether they should get a baby.  If yes, He touches the woman’s belly once, to create a child that would be a blessing for the parents. Or He touches her belly twice, to create a child who’d be a lifelong trial for the parents, their family and friends and their community. Sister Julie told me God had touched my mom’s belly three times, and while she didn’t explain what three pats meant, I was sitting facing a corner at the time, so I assumed I might grow up to be a complete blight.

That to me seems a little fanciful, too, and equally exclusionary in terms of integrating any other sources of possible wisdom.

Now before any Crusaders climb on a horse with a sword, there’s a new theory that we should consider, one proposed by Dr. Pallacken Abdul Wahid Ph.D., an expert in agronomy and crop science and a retired dean at India’s Kerala Agricultural University.

Wahid says the story of life is true to the Quran, the Bible and a junior college Comp Sci 101 class syllabus.

According to Wahid, God created Adam by breathing nafs into clay. Nafs has been translated as “life”, he says, but that’s wrong. God was huffing “biosoftware.”

Unmistakable proof that God breathes life into each chromosome.

Specifically, He installed biosoftware in Adam’s chromosomes. (The Bible makes more sense, he says, when you know that it uses “rib” as a metaphor for chromosomes throughout the texts.)

We know this is true because in one orientation, a chromosome looks like a sky view of two ribs connected to the spine. That and the fact that the Bible says Eve was made from one of Adam’s ribs/chromosomes.

By extension, a computer is more than the sum of its parts. It’s artificial life:

The invisible “soul” of the computer is its software. Likewise the invisible soul of an organism is its biosoftware. The Quran tells us that at death the nafs is removed from the body (Q. 6:93).

Wahid  spent too much time in the sun, but he does ask old questions in interesting new ways.

Having earned his doctorate in chemistry, he wonders how the genome can be so central to many people’s description of life.

The fact that [a] living cell and its dead counterpart carry the same genome is chemically untenable.

In other words, the genome of skin cells that we slough off every hour should be different than the cells that replaced their fallen comrades if it is the genome that describes life.

And this ties in nicely with Thomas Edison’s notion that everything living is made up of autonomous, thinking cells. But wouldn’t God have to breathe nafs into every cell of every being everywhere?

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